Things I Love (part 2wei)

Zwei. The number 2.  I love just mashing those consonants together. Makes one feel so alive. Like you can do anything.

I love that when the weather is warm and sunny, everyone is outside. It's like they don't have jobs. They do of course.  But everyone is sitting at tables outside of every cafe, bar, and restaurant soaking up the Vitamin D and enjoying it while it lasts.

I love that we sit at tables for hours here.  We have to ask for the check because they won't bring it until you do. You can sit at your table for hours after you are done with your purchase and talk.  No one is trying to turn the table. No one is trying to kick you out or take your space.  You can just enjoy conversation.  For as long as you'd like.

I love that we walk everywhere here.  I love that we think that way. My friend Gracie sometimes walks from her house to mine. It takes her about an hour but the train takes forty minutes so it doesn't seem that bad. I took a walk today with my friend Lukas and it was so nice. We discovered different parts of our neighborhood and enjoyed the sunshine and parks.  I love that we aren't in such a hurry all the time. It's great.

I love that you can have so many different kinds of adventures here. I went to a music festival on Friday night where I heard "surf/soul/rock" and "electric swing."  That surf/soul/rock was one band.  That is how they described their genre of music.  There were tons of people and interesting things to see. I just kept looking around thinking "I can't believe I live here."

The next day I went to the Lake. It was like a different world. 45 min on the train and you're in an entirely different atmosphere. It was so strange to see houses. I never see houses anymore. With yards and porches and fences! And to go to a lake that smells and feels like you're in the mountains.  It was amazing. It looked and felt like Hume lake.  And it had been so long since I had been swimming that it felt like a proper beach day. I was so excited I couldn't contain it. I just swam and swam to the center of the lake and only went back because I thought I should be social.  The water was perfect and the clouds sometimes floated over the sun and it was quiet and sweet and beautiful.  I couldn't believe I was still in Berlin. What a crazy world.  What a diverse city.

I just love it here sometimes.  Occasionally, it's just hard not to.

Mornings

Mornings have changed a lot here.  They are busy but also so beautiful. The sun is in a completely different part of the sky these days and the way it wakes me up (at 3:30 everyday) is still a little sweet.  Mostly because the light and warmth make everyone just a little more joyful.

I love sitting on my balcony in the mornings eating breakfast, praying, and listening to music (or sometimes Rom 12 which I'm trying to memorize.  ...Trying.)  It is hard to imagine that my street ever looked different.  It's hard to remember bare trees or empty sidewalks or snowy roofs.  But it was just a couple months ago. Now I love being out and seeing my green tree and watching people talk and laugh (and sometimes fight) on my street.  What a difference a season makes on this city.


ps-my phone camera broke---my pictures are running thin (so sad) and I hate taking my big camera with me so I don't very often.  This is a photobooth pic.  Thanks photobooth. Sorry I haven't used you in four years...but you did a great(ish) job with this one.

I Can't

I have this theme that I say all the time. "I can't do this."  Here in Berlin, it has become "I can't do this alone" but it's just a variation of that lie.   Or rather, perhaps it's a half truth. I really can't. I'm obviously painfully aware of this...but the next thing, which I always miss, is asking for help.

I love when people do things for me.  The other day I had some questions about my job, and instead of having to go to three or four different places to find out the answer, my coworker said "I'll find those out for you!"  What a strange feeling I get. It's not just relief--it's more extreme than that. More emotional. But it's something. Something that says that I"m not alone and that I don't have to do everything.

The tasks in front of me, whether many or few, often overwhelm me. I don't know where to start and I don't know how to will myself to do them. There is very little motivation in them. People often ask me, "Doesn't it feel so good when you check something off your list?" or "Don't you like when you learn something and you can do it from now on without help?".  The answer is no. Not really.

I do this defeatist thing with other aspects of my life as well. I did it with my taxes this year. I just felt like if I had to do my taxes one more time, I might fall over and die.  (I really am this dramatic person that feels so overwhelmed with tasks.  But...my relational strength is off the charts soooo...)  Well, my mom said "I'll do them!" and I cried.   Like a baby.

This isn't new for me. This didn't just start in Berlin. I always said this. I explained yesterday to two very good friends my marathon experience. Basically the whole time, running through my head was either Beyonce or "I can't do this."
And I did.
And I didn't feel accomplished.
I just felt hungry.
But the thing about that experience is, now, when I run 5 miles, and I'm starting to fade, I remember that I ran a marathon, and then I push.  This isn't the biggest or best example of learning something despite my defeatist mentality though.

I do it with Berlin itself. I can't do it alone. I can't be here alone. I can't work alone. I can't stay here alone. And as with my colleague Judy, or my mom, I don't have to. No one is asking me to. I sense a pattern whenever I say "I can't do this alone" that God is sitting in front of me raising His eyebrows and waiting for me to realize what a ridiculous thing that is to say.  Of course I can't do it alone. Of course I don't have to.

I have a choice now. A really scary one. I can either sit and continue this pattern of feeling sorry for myself and ignoring the fact that, not only do I have friends and family and colleagues that are willing (and sometimes want) to help me out, but I also have the Creator of the universe who is reaching His hand out saying "You are not alone. You have the gifts I've given you. You have my perfect strength that I give you enough of everyday.  You have me."  I can sit ignoring these lovely truths...

...or I can let that sink in (which it's already started to do--sneakily).  I can start to understand the extent of God's strength and ability in me.  I can bask in His comfort and delight in His companionship.  I can go forward in the truth that I'm not alone.   BUT the fear of this is, now, being alone isn't an excuse anymore. Not having the ability or strength to do something isn't my out. And now I have to listen to the Lord, hear Him, and know that I must be obedient.
And I CAN be obedient.

And I'm afraid He may ask a very lot of me.