I Can't

I have this theme that I say all the time. "I can't do this."  Here in Berlin, it has become "I can't do this alone" but it's just a variation of that lie.   Or rather, perhaps it's a half truth. I really can't. I'm obviously painfully aware of this...but the next thing, which I always miss, is asking for help.

I love when people do things for me.  The other day I had some questions about my job, and instead of having to go to three or four different places to find out the answer, my coworker said "I'll find those out for you!"  What a strange feeling I get. It's not just relief--it's more extreme than that. More emotional. But it's something. Something that says that I"m not alone and that I don't have to do everything.

The tasks in front of me, whether many or few, often overwhelm me. I don't know where to start and I don't know how to will myself to do them. There is very little motivation in them. People often ask me, "Doesn't it feel so good when you check something off your list?" or "Don't you like when you learn something and you can do it from now on without help?".  The answer is no. Not really.

I do this defeatist thing with other aspects of my life as well. I did it with my taxes this year. I just felt like if I had to do my taxes one more time, I might fall over and die.  (I really am this dramatic person that feels so overwhelmed with tasks.  But...my relational strength is off the charts soooo...)  Well, my mom said "I'll do them!" and I cried.   Like a baby.

This isn't new for me. This didn't just start in Berlin. I always said this. I explained yesterday to two very good friends my marathon experience. Basically the whole time, running through my head was either Beyonce or "I can't do this."
And I did.
And I didn't feel accomplished.
I just felt hungry.
But the thing about that experience is, now, when I run 5 miles, and I'm starting to fade, I remember that I ran a marathon, and then I push.  This isn't the biggest or best example of learning something despite my defeatist mentality though.

I do it with Berlin itself. I can't do it alone. I can't be here alone. I can't work alone. I can't stay here alone. And as with my colleague Judy, or my mom, I don't have to. No one is asking me to. I sense a pattern whenever I say "I can't do this alone" that God is sitting in front of me raising His eyebrows and waiting for me to realize what a ridiculous thing that is to say.  Of course I can't do it alone. Of course I don't have to.

I have a choice now. A really scary one. I can either sit and continue this pattern of feeling sorry for myself and ignoring the fact that, not only do I have friends and family and colleagues that are willing (and sometimes want) to help me out, but I also have the Creator of the universe who is reaching His hand out saying "You are not alone. You have the gifts I've given you. You have my perfect strength that I give you enough of everyday.  You have me."  I can sit ignoring these lovely truths...

...or I can let that sink in (which it's already started to do--sneakily).  I can start to understand the extent of God's strength and ability in me.  I can bask in His comfort and delight in His companionship.  I can go forward in the truth that I'm not alone.   BUT the fear of this is, now, being alone isn't an excuse anymore. Not having the ability or strength to do something isn't my out. And now I have to listen to the Lord, hear Him, and know that I must be obedient.
And I CAN be obedient.

And I'm afraid He may ask a very lot of me.